Words To Comfort Someone Who Lost A Loved One (And What Not To Say)

Grief can be a hard pill to swallow for those experiencing it firsthand; some days it goes down easy, and others it gets lodged in the throat.

Grief can also be challenging for bystanders, as the right words to comfort someone who lost a loved one don't always come easy. 

The hard truth is, there's nothing you can say to make grief easier for a friend or loved one, but that doesn't mean your words fall on deaf ears.

If you want to offer condolences and express your deepest sympathy but draw a blank when figuring out what to say when someone passes away or what to write in a sympathy card, you're not alone.

According to New York City–based grief and trauma therapist Gina Moffa, author of Moving On Doesn't Mean Letting Go: A Modern Guide to Navigating Loss, our society as a whole has not been taught how to contend with loss.

It's like the age-old question, if you don't love yourself, how can you love someone else? If you don't know how to grieve a loved one, how could you possibly know how to support someone else doing the same? 

"Ideally, we show up as us," Moffa tells mbg. Creating the "right" things to say can often make it feel very removed and formal, and at the end of the day, someone going through loss needs to be reminded that they are still connected.

"It's OK to say, 'I'm so sorry for your loss,' but I encourage you to add more to it—a simple, 'I am thinking of you during this time' can be an add-on to let them know you are present with them."

Comforting quotes about grief and loss:

If you're still struggling to find the right words to say to someone who lost a loved one, it might help to be aware of what not to say.

While sentiments like "I know exactly how you feel" and "Everything happens for a reason" are well-intentioned, intuitive personal and corporate life coach Mason Farmani warns they can come off as dismissive or as minimizing the individual's pain. 

"Regardless of the age or circumstances of the deceased, every loss is valid and deserving of empathy and support," Farmani tells mbg.

As much as we would love to take a friend or loved one's pain away while they're working through a loss, grief is personal.

On average, a person moves through the five stages of grief1 in the 24 months post-loss, but sometimes, grief leaves long-lasting responses, in which the intense feeling of loss persists and affects a person's ability to live their life.

This is called prolonged grief disorder, and while the support of loved ones can help, additional treatment options should be considered as well. 

While most people think of grief in terms of how it will emotionally impact an individual, loss can take a toll on a person's physical well-being too.

For example, according to research published in the journal Psychosomatic Medicine, symptoms of bereavement-related distress significantly increased participating individuals' systolic blood pressure (the pressure in your arteries when your heart beats) and diastolic blood pressure (the pressure in your arteries in between heartbeats).

In addition to cardiovascular effects, grief can change the biomarkers2 of the loved ones of those who've passed, including their immune system, endocrinology, and autonomic nervous system. 

The more grief is felt, and the longer it prolongs, the more impact it will have on the individual's overall well-being. In addition to its emotional and physical effects, grief can also negatively impact a person's mental health.

If you still find yourself at a loss for words, Moffa reminds us that actions speak louder, especially in times of grief. So, rather than send a sympathy card, do something to show you care. 

No words can make the heartache of grief disappear, but as the saying goes, it's the thought that counts.