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Words To Comfort Someone Who Lost A Loved One (And What Not To Say)
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Grief can be a hard pill to swallow for those experiencing it firsthand; some days it goes down easy, and others it gets lodged in the throat.
Grief can also be challenging for bystanders, as the right words to comfort someone who lost a loved one don't always come easy.
The hard truth is, there's nothing you can say to make grief easier for a friend or loved one, but that doesn't mean your words fall on deaf ears.
Words of sympathy, and even short condolence messages sent via text or a card let them know you're there and thinking of them. If you're stumbling over your words, here is a good place to start.
What to say to comfort someone who lost a loved one
If you want to offer condolences and express your deepest sympathy but draw a blank when figuring out what to say when someone passes away or what to write in a sympathy card, you're not alone.
According to New York City–based grief and trauma therapist Gina Moffa, author of Moving On Doesn't Mean Letting Go: A Modern Guide to Navigating Loss, our society as a whole has not been taught how to contend with loss.
It's like the age-old question, if you don't love yourself, how can you love someone else? If you don't know how to grieve a loved one, how could you possibly know how to support someone else doing the same?
"Ideally, we show up as us," Moffa tells mbg. Creating the "right" things to say can often make it feel very removed and formal, and at the end of the day, someone going through loss needs to be reminded that they are still connected.
"It's OK to say, 'I'm so sorry for your loss,' but I encourage you to add more to it—a simple, 'I am thinking of you during this time' can be an add-on to let them know you are present with them."
General phrases to say:
- "I'm thinking of you."
- "I'm so sorry for your loss."
- "I can't imagine what you're going through."
- "I love you."
- "One of my favorite memories with [loved one] is when…"
- "I am here to support you in any way I can."
- "Please remember to take care of yourself through this difficult time."
- "You, your family, and all who knew [loved one] are in my thoughts and prayers."
- "I'm sending you love and strength during this difficult time."
- "When you're ready to talk, I'm here."
- "Everything you're feeling is justified."
- "I hate that you're feeling this."
- "I'm so sorry you're going through this."
- "No matter what time of day or night, my phone is on. Please don't hesitate to call or text me."
- "Your relationship was so special. Keep those memories close."
- "I'm here to listen."
- "Grief has no expiration date."
- "They'll always be with you."
- "It's OK not to be okay."
- "We'll get through this together."
- "You are not alone."
- "They knew how much you loved them."
- "I wish I could take away your pain."
- "I wish there was something I could do to make you feel better."
- "I'd like to be a part of your support system."
- "I'd like to support you however I can, even if that means giving you space."
- "What do you need the most right now?"
- "Take as long as you need to grieve and heal."
Things to put in a sympathy card:
- "Thinking of you during this difficult time."
- "My deepest condolences on the loss of [loved one]."
- "My thoughts and prayers are with you during this time."
- "Thinking of you as you celebrate the wonderful life of [loved one]."
- "[Loved one] will be forever in our hearts."
- "Wishing you moments of peace as you mourn the great loss of [loved one]."
- "I'm so sorry to hear about [loved one]."
- "I was deeply saddened to hear of [loved one]'s passing."
- "Words cannot express how deeply sorry I am for your loss."
- "May you find comfort in the memories you shared with one another. Keep them with you and hold them close."
Comforting quotes about grief and loss:
When the right words are escaping you but you want to say something other than "I'm sorry," sometimes quotes about grief and loss from experts and authors can speak to your loved one's experience:
- "What we have once enjoyed we can never lose. All that we love deeply becomes a part of us." —Helen Keller
- "A great soul serves everyone all the time. A great soul never dies. It brings us together again and again." —Maya Angelou
- "Unable are the loved to die, for love is immortality." —Emily Dickinson
- "Grief is the price we pay for love." —Queen Elizabeth II
- "May you walk gently through the world, keeping your loved one with you always, knowing that you are never parted in the beating of your heart." —Apache grief blessing, author unknown
- "Death ends a life, not a relationship." —Mitch Albom
- "May there be comfort in knowing that someone so special will never be forgotten." —Julie Hebert
- "Those we love never truly leave us. There are things that death cannot touch." —Jack Thorne
- "How lucky I am that makes saying goodbye so hard." —Winnie the Pooh
- "Grief is like the ocean; it comes on waves ebbing and flowing. Sometimes the water is calm, and sometimes it is overwhelming. All we can do is learn to swim." —Vicki Harrison
- "You will heal and you will rebuild yourself around the loss you have suffered. You will be whole again but you will never be the same. Nor should you be the same nor would you want to." —Elisabeth Kubler-Ross
- "In times of grief and sorrow, I will hold you and rock you and take your grief and make it my own. When you cry I cry and when you hurt I hurt. And together we will try to hold back the floods of tears and despair and make it through the potholed street of life." —Nicholas Sparks
- "It's so much darker when a light goes out than it would have been if it had never shone." —John Steinbeck
Things not to say to someone who lost a loved one
If you're still struggling to find the right words to say to someone who lost a loved one, it might help to be aware of what not to say.
While sentiments like "I know exactly how you feel" and "Everything happens for a reason" are well-intentioned, intuitive personal and corporate life coach Mason Farmani warns they can come off as dismissive or as minimizing the individual's pain.
"Regardless of the age or circumstances of the deceased, every loss is valid and deserving of empathy and support," Farmani tells mbg.
Keeping that in mind, here are a few examples of things not to say to someone who lost a loved one:
- "They're in a better place."
- "They're at peace now."
- "They lived a long life."
- "I know how you feel."
- "Everything happens for a reason."
- "It was their time."
- "Give it time."
- "Time heals all wounds."
- "They're not suffering anymore."
- "This isn't goodbye, just see you later."
- "You'll see them again someday."
- "Don't cry, it will be OK."
- "We may not always understand it, but God has a plan."
- "Be grateful for the time you did have with them."
Grief isn't linear, and your loved one may be feeling it for a while, in more ways than one
As much as we would love to take a friend or loved one's pain away while they're working through a loss, grief is personal.
On average, a person moves through the five stages of grief1 in the 24 months post-loss, but sometimes, grief leaves long-lasting responses, in which the intense feeling of loss persists and affects a person's ability to live their life.
This is called prolonged grief disorder, and while the support of loved ones can help, additional treatment options should be considered as well.
While most people think of grief in terms of how it will emotionally impact an individual, loss can take a toll on a person's physical well-being too.
For example, according to research published in the journal Psychosomatic Medicine, symptoms of bereavement-related distress significantly increased participating individuals' systolic blood pressure (the pressure in your arteries when your heart beats) and diastolic blood pressure (the pressure in your arteries in between heartbeats).
In addition to cardiovascular effects, grief can change the biomarkers2 of the loved ones of those who've passed, including their immune system, endocrinology, and autonomic nervous system.
The more grief is felt, and the longer it prolongs, the more impact it will have on the individual's overall well-being. In addition to its emotional and physical effects, grief can also negatively impact a person's mental health.
This is especially true in those who lose a loved one early on in life, as the mental effects can disrupt their development and their ability to perform in school or work and lead to feelings of loneliness3, which can spiral into other dark thoughts and emotions.
So when words escape you, take action
If you still find yourself at a loss for words, Moffa reminds us that actions speak louder, especially in times of grief. So, rather than send a sympathy card, do something to show you care.
"While words can bring connection, doing something for someone enduring loss is even better," Moffa tells mbg over email. "If you know what kind of food they like, have some delivered. Drop off food, or take care of something you know they may need help with. Send a card, flowers, or a thoughtful token of your care."
The takeaway
No words can make the heartache of grief disappear, but as the saying goes, it's the thought that counts.
Reaching out with condolences and words of sympathy to comfort someone who has lost a loved one lets that person know you're thinking of them as they go through this difficult time.
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