Why Men Ignore Their Mental Health — And How To Break The Cycle

Over the years, I have had several men experience the onset of cardiac arrest (heart attack) in my office while talking about an ex-wife, a heartbreaking experience, or a significant romantic loss. The sudden onset of physical symptoms come on in a serious, painful, frightening manner.

My male clients, ages 28, 36, and 44, were all in seemingly good health then suddenly felt enormous chest pain pressure (like someone was sitting on their chest), tingling sensation in their arms, and shortness of breath. All three men wondered out loud if they were having a heart attack or a panic attack. Their physical symptoms began escalating—more chest pain and dizziness. The panic attack idea was dismissed by all three men, who had previously suffered them. Each of these men immediately sought emergency medical treatment; ironically, they had no hesitation in seeking medical help in that moment.

Full disclosure: I am included among the majority of men who postpone their preventive medical care. Like the majority of the brotherhood, I didn't have time; my insurance deductible was high; I was building my psychological practice; and whatever excuses worked. I tore my vertebral artery at the base of my neck running and had a stroke that almost ended my life. I was completely paralyzed on the right side of my body within 10 seconds. I knew I was dying (people know this during a near-death experience) and internally pleaded with my higher self to spare my life.

During the first 48 hours, I fortunately regained about 95% of my movement. I spent the following eight days in the intensive care unit, which felt like eight months. Needless to say, every doctor I met during my week in the hospital lectured me. They all told me how lucky I was not to be permanently paralyzed or dead (all movement fully came back to my body within a week). This medical crisis changed the course of my life; the psychological issues of avoidance, maintaining proper health, work-life balance, father-son issues, and a host of buried issues all resurfaced as I lay in the hospital.

After my brush with death, I had to ask myself what else was I running from. All that I knew when I left the hospital was that I never wanted to have a stroke—or anything like it—again. It took six months before I felt as if I was fully back in my body again. 

Getting back to our mind-body connection is part of the masculine journey of developing balance and fulfillment, which all men address at some point in their lives. Women are typically more attuned to their bodies with monthly reminders about having babies someday. Men tend to rely on a crisis to address their health (both body and dental), as I am guilty of doing.

Chinese medicine is based on this fundamental truth: Everything in a person's life is interconnected; it is a fluid operating system, interacting to create a harmonious balanced life. When there is disharmony in a person's system (i.e., unresolved personal issues, illness, money worries, dating, and endless life factors), this imbalance creates disease within the body over time. It is a scientific principle that all systems within an organism work together for the good of the whole. Gentlemen, we are not any different!

Operating like a robot isn't sustainable long term; you can't live your life in your head. Being a cerebral guy isn't bad, but it can't be your only option to function emotionally and relationally. Your feelings matter; the deliberate or unconscious avoidance of them eventually leads to catastrophe, such as the loss of relationships with your children, poor health, isolation, divorce, rage, contempt toward your family or partner, and an overall unhappy life. Over the years, countless men have sat in my office who were extremely wealthy (i.e., billionaires) and professionally powerful but emotionally and psychologically bankrupt.

You can't work 14 hours a day, drink only coffee or energy drinks, eat fast food, skip sleep, argue with the competition, and expect a good emotional outcome. Our lives are a composite of multiple factors, and these factors together produce a healthy life. Our bodies crave homeostasis: Our natural state is health, balance, and smooth interactions. Western medicine acknowledges underlying psychological issues, unseen casualties of emotional upset, early life traumas, depression, and chronic anxiety and their collateral damage on the physical body. 

"Yo, I need some fucking help! Those six words changed my life!" —John Wald, NBA All Star discussing how he dealt with physical injuries that affected his mental health. John Wald is a great example of a man who is rich, gifted, famous, and not invincible. Experiencing a possible career-ending knee injury and the enormous struggles that come with physical recovery is daunting. Most of us think that we are the only ones who struggle with physical and emotional issues. Regardless of their situation in life, men are more similar to each other than they are dissimilar.

In sports, men readily accept that emotional loss impacts a team's performance in the next game or the next season. Why are we any different? We are not. Our physical well-being is directly impacted by our feelings, thoughts (critical or positive), choices, actions, life events, stress, losses, money worries, personal beliefs, and lifestyle. The point is that men of all ages have psychological feelings that connect to our physical well-being.

For instance, it is very difficult to get up Monday morning when your girlfriend ended your two-year relationship over the weekend via a text message. It is difficult to fall asleep even though you are physically exhausted if you're worrying about your rent payment due in three days and are currently unemployed. These naturally occurring mind-body connections seem basic and obvious, yet they can cause profound health issues. Men and change are not usually good friends until our nemesis, despair, shows up with a cancer diagnosis or a stroke (in my case). Despair is the driving force for men to become disciplined, motivated, and proactive about changing their lifestyle and mental health.