11 Things To Talk About On A First Date To Spark Connection, From A Dating Coach

Good conversation on a first date can sometimes be elusive. In many cases, you're talking to a total stranger that you know virtually nothing about, yet also kind of want to impress, while also sort of trying to evaluate compatibility. There's a lot happening at once!

Don't feel like you have to jump right into an inquisition as soon as a first date starts. The deeper conversations will come more naturally once you've established a bit of a foundational rapport between you.

When you first arrive on the date, try starting with a little bit of casual conversation drawing from the context you're in. For example, if your date picked the restaurant you're at, ask her if she's been here before, how she discovered the place, and what she likes about it. Or if you're at a bar that specializes in quirky cocktails, ask him questions about his go-to drink and share your own. You could also talk about the part of town you're in and how much time you each have spent in the area, an interesting article of clothing or jewelry your date has on, or where they came from prior to meeting up with you.

From there, let the conversation flow naturally—maybe they'll bring up how hard it is to find good Thai places in the city you're in, or a good friend who brought them to this spot before, or how much they love eating outdoors. Pay attention to what comes up, ask follow-up questions, and offer up your own thoughts or stories that relate back to what your date just shared.

This might seem like a boilerplate question, but don't let it be. Think of this question as a way of tapping into what's actually top of mind for this person right now. When people talk about how their day or week is going, they'll usually reveal a little bit about what's spinning their wheels at present—what problems they're currently having, what dreams they're currently chasing, or what pleasures are currently lighting them up.

One of the reasons first dates can feel so awkward is that the conversation can sometimes feel like an interview, with each person taking turns asking the other the basic get-to-know-you questions. To open the door to true connection and get past the canned responses, it helps to try to learn about their world as they're experiencing it presently. Asking about what's going on in their life currently is a great way to tap into that.

However they respond, even if it's just an exasperated sigh and brief comment about how stressful work is, ask a follow-up question that lets them know that you actually want to hear more about it.

Likewise, bring up the things that are presently top of mind for you. Dating coach Clara Artschwager recommends bringing your full, messy, imperfect self into your dates. Don't worry about trying to only show off your highlights and big accomplishments—be real about what life is actually like for you these days, both the good and the bad. People generally enjoy being around those who are willing to be open and vulnerable, Artschwager points out.

Practice active listening as they talk: Really focus on trying to understand what they're saying and feeling rather than trying to think about how you're going to respond when they stop talking. Then, comment on and validate the things that you're hearing and noticing about them.

Another way to show that you're really paying attention to your partner is by complimenting them—and not just on their looks. A little playful flirting can be fun, but in addition to that, see if you can find ways to compliment your date's personality or energy. After you've been talking for a little bit, see what little things you notice that you really like about being around this person.

Their job will probably come up organically at some point in the conversation. But beyond just learning what they do for work, ask them how they feel about it—you'll likely get a much more interesting, genuine response.

"It's boilerplate to talk about work, so if you're going to go there, you might as well take it a step further," relationship coach Julie Nguyen tells mbg. "What excites them about their job? What doesn't excite them about their career? What are their dreams for the future? What did they want to be as a kid? By approaching them with curiosity, you can transform simple questions into deep discussions where you draw out the essence of who they are as a person instead of a rehearsed answer."

When you feel like you've built up enough conversational trust between you two, you can start to ask questions that get into the deeper stuff. For example, ask about how they've been doing in these last few years since COVID entered our lives. Most people have been affected at least to some extent, so you're almost certain to get more personal through this question.

Speaking of going deeper, asking about your date's family can be a way to peel back the layers and get to know more about their background and why they are the way they are.

Last but not least, if you're on a date, it only makes logical sense to ask about each other's dating goals and intentions. You want to make sure you're on the same page about what you're both looking for, whether that's something casual, something serious, or some other type of relationship.

"On a first date, I don't consider really anything off-topic to talk about," says Nguyen.

Although common wisdom holds that you should never talk politics or religion on a first date, the days of trying to politely paper over differences for a date are behind us. A 2021 study by the dating app Bumble found that 62% of adults believe it's important to talk about key social issues on a first date, including topics like gender equality, race, the environment, and more, and 75% said they'd only date someone if most of their political and social views aligned.

The truth is, if you're looking for a long-term partner, shared values are going to be an important bedrock for your relationship—so the sooner you can learn where a potential partner stands on the issues that matter to you, the better. That isn't to say that you should spend a first date grilling each other about their stances on every political topic, but don't feel the need to beat around the bush when it comes to your values either.

For the most part, you can really talk about anything you're in the mood to talk about on a first date. As Nguyen points out, almost any topic is fair game for conversation as long as it's approached thoughtfully. "What's more interesting is navigating the tension of the date appropriately so you don't share too little or too much," she adds. "Having the right attitude and remembering to stay balanced with what you share invites intrigue to the date and enriches the interaction dramatically."